New Business Plan

Well, folks, apparently Starbucks decided to stage a chemical attack on me this morning. I ordered my usual decaf Americano—because, you know, I like my heart rate somewhere below “hummingbird on meth”—but instead they slipped me the full-throttle, triple-caffeinated, left-wing special. Why? Probably because they sensed I’m a patriot. That’s how it works at Starbucks: wear an American flag pin and suddenly you’re the test subject for their covert CIA-style caffeine program.

But here’s the kicker: instead of making me jittery, it just supercharged my entrepreneurial genius. Now I’ve got a new business idea. And yes, I’m looking for investors. So listen up.

We’re going to launch an online store that sells every piece of liberal nonsense right back to the liberals. Think about it: right colored hair dye in bulk. Nose-piercing starter kits—because nothing says “I’m an independent thinker” like copying the same exact septum ring as every other barista in America. Rainbow-clothing, DIY protest sign kits—Sharpies included. Oh, and of course, riot masks for their “mostly peaceful” demonstrations. Can’t forget the airport classic: face masks plastered with rainbow flags so everyone knows they’re both health-conscious and woke.

And here’s the business model: we sell them all the junk they already can’t resist buying, and then we funnel the profits into electing conservative patriots. Imagine the beauty of it: liberals literally bankrolling the campaigns that will undo their nonsense. It’s like political jiu-jitsu. Use their own momentum against them.

So yes, Starbucks, your little “caffeine sabotage” backfired. You didn’t silence me. You just helped me invent the one business guaranteed to save America while draining liberals’ wallets. Honestly, the only risk here is that they’ll buy us out just to stop us.

Investors, line up. This one’s going to the moon!